doubt

i've never really struggled with confidence, self-esteem, whatever you want to call it. actually, the opposite, i have the tendency to be slightly over confident at times. and its then when i really do need to be put in my place. its only human.

but for the first time in a very long time, i am doubting myself and my abilities to become a PT. classes are getting harder and i feel like there is this huge mountain in front of me that keeps growing. i had patient observations at the hospital the other day, and the PT i was working with made me feel so incompetent. it was one of those days where i just felt like quitting. i've been doubting that i will be able to handle the stresses of the program and handle the academic mountain that is in front of me. i go out on clinicals in LESS THAN 6 MONTHS and i feel like i could never be prepared for that. i look at other people in the program, in my class, and others, and think to myself, "well, if they could do it, i certainly can handle it." i shouldn't have that attitude in the first place, because i d0n't like comparing myself with others, when we are all different and we each have our own talents.

i think its just a phase and that i'm just really ready for a break. i pray for the confidence to keep taking 1 little step up the mountain every day. even on days when there is an avalanche. i know this is what i want to do with my life, i'm just not so sure everyday how thats going to happen.

those are my thoughts. and here is a picture to accompany my thoughts.

ABC's

i got bored at work the other day and decided to do one of those stupid questionnaires, so here it is!

A
- Available: yes
- Age: 23
- Annoyance: stupid people, bad drivers, hypocrites
- Animal: kitty!

B
- Beer: no thank you
- Birthday: November 25
- Best Friend: Kara
- Best feeling in the world: hammock on a beach with a margarita
- Blind or Deaf: I’d rather be deaf
- Best weather: fall
- Been in Love: yes
- Been on stage: yes, but only in front of college kids
- Believe in Magic: no
- Believe in Santa: no

C
- Candy: nothing chocolate
- Color: lots of colors
- Chocolate/Vanilla: vanilla, I don’t like chocolate
- Chinese/Mexican: yes please!
- Cake or pie: caaaaaaake
- Continent to visit: Australia
- Cheese: delicious

D
- Day or Night: I’m a night owl
- Dance in the rain: get wet
-Dorm Memory: watching Elf every night for a week during sophomore year

E
- Eyes: brown
- East Coast or West Coast: east coast! Although the west coast has some nice spots
- Ever failed a class? nope, never anything below a B

F
- Full name: Andrea Michelle
- First thoughts waking up: “can I please go back to sleep?”
- Food: lots of it -Favorite TV show: Gilmore Girls, Top Chef, Dancing with the Stars

G
- Greatest Fear: sharks
- Goals: graduate and get a job
- Gum: light blue extra
- Get along with your parents: yup
- Good luck charm: myself

H
- Hair Color: dark brown
- Height: 5’6”
- Happy: most of the time
- Holiday: Thanksgiving or Easter
- How do you want to die: when I’m old - Hobbies: sewing, jewelry making, scrapbooking, pottery, cooking, baking

I
- Ice Cream: sweet cream from Cold Stone
- Instrument: scalpel

J
- Jewelry: what about it? Yes, I wear it. And make it, as it were.
- Job: graduate student - Journey or destination: journey

K
- Kids: eventually
- Kickboxing or karate: probably kickboxing
- Keep a journal: tried -Kind of perfume: Victoria’s Secret Angel

L
- Longest Car Ride: Charlotte NC to Los Angeles CA…ran out of gas in the desert
- Love: I’m a fan, but I’ve been turned into a cynic
- Last vacation: went to Monterrey Mexico last Thanksgiving for a mission trip -Last time you cried: at church this morning. Bob was on a role!
- Laughed so hard you cried: all the time - Least favorite food: chocolate
M
- Milk: skim
- Movie: Remember the Titans, Mr. Hollands Opus, Love Actually, Ace Ventura, Good Will Hunting
- Motion sickness: only in a car when driving up and down mountains
- McD’s or BK: BK, better fries

N
- Number of Siblings: 1
- Number of Piercings: 4
- Number of years in school: 17

O
- One wish: that I had made better decisions about certain things -One moment I could relive: first time at Catalyst, Blue Mountains in Australia, debrief time at the Palapa at B2B

P
- Perfect Pizza: cheesy
- Pepsi/Coke: diet coke -PJ’s: big PJ pants and wife beater - Place to visit: Australia, all 50 states, Europe

Q
- Quote: “to reach people no one else is reaching, we must do things no one else is doing” –Craig Groschel

R
- Reason to cry: sad movie, when you’re sad
- Reality TV: no thank you
- Radio Station: K Love
- Roll your tongue in a circle: nope, its genetic
- Ring size: 10, I have huge hands

S
- Song: Glory to God Forever, Steve Fee
- Salad Dressing: ranch
- Skipped school: occasionally
- Slept outside: yup, when camping
- Smoked: never
- Skinny dipped: yes
- Sing well: not really
- Sing in the shower: all the time
- Swear: like a sailor, I’m working on it
- Strawberries/Blueberries: strawberries!

T
- Time for bed: what I would like- 10:30, reality- 12:30
- Thunderstorms: when I’m inside

U
- Unpredictable: I can be - Underwear: like, do i wear it? of course.

V
- Vacation spot: mountains, Australia

W
- Weakness: no verbal filter whatsoever
- Which one of your friends acts the most like you: Jamie, sometimes
- Who makes you laugh the most: funny people
- Worst feeling: throwing up
- Wanted to be a model: never
- Where do we go when we die: Heaven to see Jesus
- Worst Weather: NC summer humidity

X
- X-Rays: good for looking at bones

Y
-Year it is now: 2009
-Yellow: my bedroom is painted yellow

Z
- Zoo animal: monkeys, otters, anything cute

LAST PERSON WHO…
1. Slept in a bed beside you: my mom
2. You went to the mall with: Jamie
3. You went to dinner with: Jeff
4. You talked to on the phone: Ryan
5. Made you laugh: Ryan
6. Hugged you: Jeff 7. Said they loved you: Jimmy
8. You kissed: Jimmy
9. You spoke with: Ryan
10. You cried over: myself
11. You had an interesting conversation with: Kara

don't let me lose my follow-through

Like so many times before
But my eyes
Are dry before I leave the floor
Oh Lord I try...
but this time Jesus how can I be sure
I will not lose my follow through
between the altar and the door

i started thinking about our mission trip to mexico in november because our high schoolers are leaving tomorrow to go down for a week. i can't wait to go back. i love how God will break you down just to fill you back up. i saw so much that week i was there and it changed me so much. i remember being there and thinking how i was going to change my entire way of life, in light of the poverty and hopelessness i saw all week. coming back to the states was hard, knowing what i was leaving behind. i had so much trouble even explaining to people what i had experienced on the trip, and how God had opened my eyes in so many different parts of my life. the whole week, i had the casting crowns song above on my mind, because it talks about how gung-ho we are when we are at the alter, but how as we get further and further away, it becomes harder to uphold the behaviors and attitudes. i prayed that once i reached the door, i would be able to keep up my plans to look at my life differently based on how i had been changed in mexico. but as time went on, we start to forget the alter, and forget the emotions and sights.

one of the reasons i am so ready to go back is to refresh myself with how i want to live my life differently. and i am ready for God to break me down, so that He may wonderfully fill me back up. we were His hands and feet for those 6 days, doing what He has called us to do. and i yearn for that in my life all the time, so my prayer is that i don't lose sight of the plan and that i don't lose my follow-through the alter and the door.

God loves us so much, and if GRACE was an ocean, we would all be sinking in it.

my kitty is a brat.

there she is. this is mojo. and she stood outside my bedroom door for an hour and a half this morning and cried. i've tried just letting her stay in my room to eliminate the whole outside crying thing, but 6 am is playtime for a certain someone. she walks up on my headboard and knocks things onto my face, attacks my feet through the covers, walks on my face, and it a whole-hearted nudge. so i started closing my door at night. she is not liking that one bit. she is a brat. she actually isn't even my kitten, she's my roommate's kitten. but she likes me better, hence the crying outside my door at 6 am. she is actually leaving with my roommate when she moves to kentucky at the end of the month. sad. i will miss her, but she is still a brat.

anyway, onto other updates. we are in module 3, in week 7, which means there are only 5 more weeks of this module. once we get past the halfway point, i start getting bored and ready for new classes. next module is our heavy duty orthopedic module. i have a feeling i am going to be swamped. this module has been pretty busy, but so far, so good. i am going to be sooo glad to be done with physiology. i'm not a fan of our physiology professor at all, and i am glad i only have to put up with her for 5 more weeks.

i can't get over the fact that i am going on my first clinical in less than 6 months. my outpatient clinical rotation starts in january. i don't know where i am going yet because all 4 of my choices said no. so i go into a lottery and will find out where i can go sometime in july. my second 2 clinicals are set, i will be in prescott, arizona next july and august. then i will be in daphne, alabama for september and october. i'm psyched about those, even though its still a year away.

life is good. i'm going on a date next week. i'm excited to go on a date, its been a very very long time. i gave up all of my college-dateable time because of the relationship i was in, so now i feel like its time i get back out there. it should be fun.